Serving in H.M. Forces during Wartime one finds there are many partners whose company one is forced to endure. There are others who become lifelong friends and colleagues. Some will always be remembered for a peculiar characteristic and as such would be given a nickname associated with their trait.

Everyone connected with the unit in which I served will remember Grippo. He was the one who was always there when there was anything going free. He would diligently search the notice board morning and evening for invitations that were often graciously and generously offered by members of the public. These could include anything from a meal at a benefactor’s home to a visit to a theatre. If there was anything going Grippo would be there.

Ivor, now that wasn’t his name but it was soon to become the name he was known by even if it was not one he would respond to. Ask Ivor for assistance his answer would usually be “I’va gotta do something else.” Nearly always there was something different that Ivor had to do if asked for help.

Then there was Itsme, he was the meanest, moaning person in the whole unit. Itsme always carried a cigarette packet and a cigarette case. The packet contained a normal quantity of cigarettes as depended on his use. The cigarette case would be holding only one cigarette. If  Itsme was in company and fancied a cigarette, he would take from a pocket his cigarette case, open it and flash it before the present company and declare, “Can’t offer anyone a cigarette, it s me last one”.  When on his own he would replace the empty case with a lone cigarette for later use. It did not take long for his colleagues to become aware of his ploy so whenever anyone brought out a packet of cigarettes and passed them around, voices in unison would comment.  Itsme won’t want one, he’ll want to finish off his last fag.

Cush, everyone liked Cush and he was one of my best mates. Anything that pleased Cush  was exclaimed as Cushee, and Cush  was always on the lookout for something out of the routine, an easy job, a Cushee number.

 Cush happened to read the unit notice board and see that there was a requirement for a volunteer as a Dispatch Rider. Cushee number interjected my mate. A few days later with the notice still appended to the board,  Cush  thought that it deserved his attention and so he volunteered for the position.

The Commanding Officer of the unit was delighted that he had received a response to the notice and thanked Cush  for volunteering, adding that it was most fortunate that there was someone in the unit that knew about Motorcycles. So the following morning Cush was taken by Staff Car to a transport establishment about four miles away, and where a Motorcycle was made available for the use of the Commanding Officer’s Dispatch Rider.

There was a transgression of at least six hours before Cush returned to the base of the Commanding Officer with the newly acquired Motorcycle. This caused much to the consternation to the C.O who had received a telephoned assurance of the Transport Establishment, that his newly appointed Dispatch Rider had collected the machine at the appointed time, and immediately left the said establishment.

With reservations of his judgement of the character and reliability of his latest appointment the C.O demanded of Cush to explain exactly where he had been for so many hours. Reminding   Cush that there was a war on and that they were an operational unit who could be called into action at any time and the outcome and responsibility of ensuring a successful outcome could lay solely in the efficiency and reliability of the Despatch Rider.

Full of apologies, much saluting and grovelling before the C.O. Cush related that in his testing of his acquisition on his way back from the transport depot, a technical problem had developed with the Motorcycle, causing it to come to an immediate stop. Unfortunately in an area where there was no assistance available, or the opportunity for him to report his difficulties.

Fortunately for Cush, the only technical experience that the Commanding Officer could understand was limited to knowing that the cap on a bottle of Gin unscrewed anti-clockwise. Depending of course that he could remember which way anti-clockwise was. So Cush was able to uncross his fingers when congratulated on his mechanical expertise and not asked to present any further explanation.

Cush of course knew exactly what the problem was that caused him to be delayed for so many hours. He could not ride a motorcycle, it was as simple as that. He had never before sat on a motorcycle. He didn’t know the first thing about motorcycles. He had spent six hours overcoming the trials and tribulations of learning to ride the machine.

Of the eighty servicemen in the unit, Cush became one of the most popular members. In off duty periods,  Cush could be seen explaining the intricacies of releasing the hand clutch, as the accelerator was advanced to gain a smooth momentum. For those with the capabilities or initiative to bribe Cush with a couple of cigarettes, they would be given the opportunity to ride the machine for a few yards. Scouse, an obvious Liverpuddlian, was one of those anxious to master the technicalities of riding a motorcycle.

Ensconced on the saddle of the motorcycle, Scouse had mastered the art of the kick-start and putting the machine into gear. He had the clutch held open to slowly release it as the accelerator was opened up. With a confident smile to his tutor, Cush , the eagerness in  Scouse  unfortunately overtook his common sense. With the clutch being let out too quickly, and the accelerator being opened up too fast, it was practically a case of doing wheelies at the first attempt. Motorcycle and rider headed for the highway just a Westernised Oriental Gentleman was about to cross the opening of the Units establishment. Fearing that his end was nigh, the man practically propelled himself up a lamppost as the motorcycle and rider headed towards an open ditch.

Another desired position in the unit was that of lorry driver. It so happened that the regular lorry driver was drafted to another base, and as there was little to do in the way of dispatching orders for the Commanding Officer, it was considered by the C.O that the two jobs could be combined. So Cush was approached by one whose parentage was always in question and in fear addressed as Chief but referred to amongst the men as T.B.  A citation of a shortened expression means That Illegitimate. Asked if he could drive a lorry, Cush replied  Of course I can Chiefee .

Taken to the unit’s lorry, Cush  was instructed by the offspring of dubious birth to get in the drivers seat and start the engine as he was going to be tested on his ability to be a lorry driver. T.B settled himself in the passenger seat and awaited results.

After several attempts to transmit motion to the wheels and with much gear crashing and stalling of the engine, the T.B emitted a tirade of verbal abuse consisting of sexual connotations towards  Cush . Finally T.B told him to go away, or in words to that effect dispatched in another form and commencing with the sixth and fifteenth letter of the alphabet.  Hang on a minute Chiefee say’s  Cush, not averse to using whatever devious means or options that he could muster.  Cush  was about to express a supposition that was held amongst his colleagues. It so happened that a number of engines had gone missing from the unit’s store in the dockyard and it was suspected that T.B was involved in their disappearance.

As all this was taking place in the Far East, and as there was a considerable shortage of many goods that had a premium market value, there could always be found a dubious buyer for doubtful property that may become available. Putting two and two together, Cush could always come up with the number six. He could pull a Rabbit out of a hat if there was no hat and no Rabbit. So Cush took a gamble. Chiefee! I know where you have stached those missing engines from the Docks which you are hoping to sell. If Cush did know, he was the only member in the unit who did, apart from the one who pinched them of course. However T.B had second thoughts over dismissing Cush as a lorry driver. And so out of the kindness of his heart!!!! T.B taught Cush  to drive, it just shows, there is goodness in everyone.!!!!!

By Ted
Location: South East Asia