Staying active

Living Room columnist Terry Ferdinand talks us through the mysterious world of the PC:

"There seems to be a mysterious airborne virus that not only attacks computers but humans as well.

Human symptoms include irrational behaviour‚ tantrums and depression in six key stages:

Stage 1: Assembly

Last Saturday my family turns up bearing mysterious gifts of casings‚ hard drives‚ cards and chips.

At once my sons descend into a frenzy of assembly and start speaking in tongues.

Minutes turn into hours. At last the shining tower with insides full of strange looking circuits and tangled wires is ready!

The moment arrives to press the ‘on’ button. Surprise‚ surprise: Nothing! The monitor remains blank…zero…zilch! Argh! We haven’t appeased the computer gods!

Stage 2: Strip down

Nothing to do but strip it all back down. Off comes the cover. Cards and wiring are checked. Buttons pressed. Nothing.

Stage 3: ‘But it should work’

This stage involves really deep and serious staring into the pc box‚ proper twiddling of wires‚ looking at each other saying:

“It should work‚ we have done everything right!”

 This is swiftly followed by accusations‚ finger pointing‚ passing the blame.

Stage 4: The manual

After much head-scratching and chin-rubbing the manual is finally consulted. It is written in a bizarre foreign language.

Hours pass‚ wives are irritated‚ children miss their X-box and want to go home.

Stage 5: The phone call

A huge depression has crept over our team of ‘experts’. Time to phone someone who understands the inner-workings of the sacred Tower of Babel.

I call my friend James. He says: “Try this and do that”. But still…nothing.

Stage 6: The house call

A little later James arrives at our house and peers into the box. We watch with bated breath and anticipation. Instinctively he reaches into the inferno and plugs a lead into the correct socket.

Hurray! It works!

We are all left feeling stupid - and rightly so…

The moral

There must be a moral to this story but I don't want to go there. Maybe you have experienced the same computer virus? I hope to have at least reassured you that you are not alone!"

Terry

Read more stories from Terry:

Dreaded retirement

An unforgettable day

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